But obscurity isn't the Amercan dream!

For 90% of my life, I have wanted to be famous.

"We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."
-Tyler Durden, Fight Club.

"Be content with obscurity." -Colossians 3:4 [The Message]

And Oh that this city would know your love,
And Oh that this city would feel your touch,
And Oh that this city would live with hope,
Give us hands to touch, give us hearts of love.

We love because You loved, we pray because you prayed,
We give because you gave.
We live for Your fame, we hope because You save.
We believe in Your name.
-"In Your Name" by Miranda Dodson

Since age three, I have been chasing fame. I've tried modeling, pageants, acting, writing, and even blogging in an attempt to make a name for myself. At first glace, I'd tell you that I don't know where this comes from, but if I stop and really think about it, I have to conclude that it must stem from some deep rooted issues with loneliness.

I was raised by my grandparents in a small town in southern Indiana. They weren't home a lot, and after I turned 16 and got my own car, I wasn't home a lot, either.

In my town, I was the weird kid. I always had my nose buried in a book. I didn't shower often, and I dressed strange. I was socially awkward and used to pretend to be ditsy for attention. Half of the time, I sat alone at lunch. On most days I busied myself with pursing boyfriend/ girlfriend relationships or extracurricular activities to convince myself that I wasn't alone.

I think that I wanted to be famous because I wanted to be known. When someone knows you, you always have that. When you're sitting in a movie theater alone or eating in a restaurant at a table by yourself, it doesn't matter. You know that someone somewhere really knows you. And if you're famous, you know that people everywhere want to know you.

There is so much to be learned in Colossians 3. I keep reading it and re-reading it. I know that academics tend to shun The Message version of the Bible, but I'm not writing a term paper here. I'm simply trying to take baby steps back toward the life that I know God wants me to lead.

I struggle with wanting to announce that I've started this new blog. The design is cute, isn't it? In typical fashion, I spent a fair amount of time yesterday implementing how it would look versus getting my hands dirty and dealing with the heart matters first. For now, this blog can remain obscure. I've added links to it on my other two blogs, but only because I truly want people to know that I care about things other than clothes and being funny. But no announcements. There's no need for fanfare. And yes, I see the irony of me writing this as an aspiring actress and locally known fashion blogger. That's okay. I need to be content with obscurity.

This has been a long time coming.

It's no secret that I love clothes. And jewelry. And shoes. I love these things so much that I blog about them and take photos of them (almost) every day. For you see, I have a fashion blog. I've been doing it for over a year, actually, and I feel blessed and humbled by the success my little website has received and continues to receive.

Almost every morning, the first thought in my head is "What am I going to wear today?" I check the weather, check my calendar, and spend more time than the average person thinking about how I'm going to dress that day.

You should know that I'm a Christian. I first realized that Jesus loved me when I was 17 years old (over twelve years ago!). I went to Bible college for three and a half years and was fairly certain that I'd be a professional Christian speaker.

But somewhere between dropping out of Bible college and getting married and up until a couple weeks ago, I lost my way. To be 100% candid (which I plan to be 100% of the time on here), I have made a shipwreck of my faith, and I am just now at a place where I feel like the pieces of my wreckage are worth redemption.

I can't pinpoint when I started feeling this quickening in my soul. I don't know the exact date or month, even. But I do know that something resonated deep within me when I read the following verses:

"Dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." [Colossians 3:12 -13, The Message]

This is God's wardrobe: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline, and love. Before I take a step into my closet, these are the things I must put on each and every day. This is where I want my thoughts to dwell. This is what I want at the forefront of my mind before I even lift my head from my pillow.

Since I love blogging so much, and because I'm very good at blogging to a regular schedule, I thought why not spend a fraction of my time writing out these things that I'm thinking through. My thoughts may not always be complete. What I say may not always be correct. I am not writing to be read. I'm just trying to figure out how I can shift my shopper's gaze to the wardrobe that matters most: God's.

[read Colossians 3]